No Stranger to Loss

I’m no stranger to loss and sometimes it feels like I should be able to handle this.  I lost my youngest child eleven years ago when she was three months old , my father over twenty years ago when I was still in high school, the man I considered my dad (my step-dad) passed away four years ago… I should know how to do this.  Eleven years ago I sought counseling have been seeing the same counselor off and on for the last eleven years.  He has helped me through loss, custody battles and relationships of all kinds.  I returned to college to pursue a career in the field of gerontology and have taken classes on death and dying… I have the book knowledge, but living through loss is completely different.

I have drowned my grief in overeating, isolation, and compartmentalization and yet… sometimes it still becomes just too much.  How am I supposed to get through this?  How am I supposed to let my almost 18 year old daughter become an adult, drive at night, go to Hawaii all the while I am petrified something will happen to her?

Roo had just become an adult himself, making decisions and beginning to navigate the adult world by himself when the accident happened… For those of you wondering, he fell asleep while driving late at night and hit a tree.  How does something like that happen to such an experienced driver?  He had been driving farm equipment since he was 13…  He was my oldest, the child who managed his finances better than I manage mine – that boy saved money so well…

How in the world am I going to let my girl spread her wings and learn how to navigate the adult world and stay out late?  The last time I did that my Roo died…

So, in an attempt to quiet my fears I will put them on paper.  “They” say (those who write books on grief) say writing can be therapeutic and cathartic so we will give it a go.  Forgive the grammatical errors and the like.  Emotions, memories, and fears don’t follow the rules…

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