Roo would have 20 this month… twenty…two decades…  Roo would have been…

Those words “would have been” stab at the heart like bolts of lightning.  The passing of time offers different words…speaking in a past tense… I try to pull the words into the present by force.  I didn’t know what to do.  Do I make a cake?  Cupcakes?  His favorite dinner?  I couldn’t do any of those so I bought a Moon Pie.  He liked Moon Pies.  I wanted to mark the day, but struggled with causing heartache for Rin and Joe.  It sounds crazy now, they knew what day it was and I think they were thinking the same thing.  We tip-toe around pain with each other…I almost hide my own.

I placed a small rock at his grave in the dark of the night.  I can hardly speak when I am there, but I had to place something physical there.

When I was alone I ate the sickeningly sweet Moon Pie and thought of him.  Oh, Roo…

I couldn’t bring myself to write on here.  I needed time away.  The step-mom just had a new baby boy the first week of September.  I don’t do newborns.  They trigger all things Gem.  I can’t believe she had a baby boy.  Jealousy, anger, and resentment swirl around this boy’s birth.  It’s not his fault he was born into the world of “After Roo.”

Loss creates these new worlds with titles – After Gem…After Jim…After Roo.  It’s like a train of tears that bleed into one another.  Each one colors life differently until everything is tinged with loss.  Morning coffee is no longer just coffee, but “morning coffee used to be accompanied by making sure Roo was awake”… “morning coffee used to be listening to his truck leave the driveway”… morning coffee used to be … different.

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