So, I went back to work

So, I went back to work… I had found myself nearly immobile with grief in the summer and stuck in my head all day.  So, I found a job and went back to work.  I figured if there was someplace where I had to be every day, some place where I was forced to think about something other than my Roo it would help.

 

I didn’t finish getting my Bachelor’s degree, again.  I’ve been working towards getting that degree for nearly 20 years now, but I just couldn’t focus, couldn’t care about school… so I went back to work.  It’s what I know, it’s drawing a paycheck to help my family, it’s customer service and it’s safe.

 

I sometimes think that Roo would have chided me for not finishing, but at the same time I hope he would understand.  It feels sometimes that I have taken the easy way out, but I just couldn’t do it anymore – day after day feeling like I was under water with no way out, trying to force thoughts and concepts onto paper… thoughts of Roo overpowered everything… this way I am at a place with people who didn’t know him, I can create a person that can pretend everything is ok.  I can bring a picture of just Rin and people won’t realize there is not you….

 

I breaks my heart – I want to put a picture of you up, I do!  But I can’t bring myself for people to ask me who you are… I am too weak to try to tell your story to people who are only trying to be nice, but really don’t care…

 

So, I went back to work… I tried to run away from my mind, but I bring you with me wherever I go.  You are always with me.

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Daily Prompt: Elicit

via Daily Prompt: Elicit

It’s the littlest things that make me catch my breath… the sight of Rin wearing your sweatshirt, Joe bringing home eggnog before Thanksgiving thinking it will get used, but he forgot that it’s you who guzzles it down so quickly – not us… the smell of you when the door to your room is opened telling me that someone has broken the seal to the past – even for just a moment…

 

It’s being in the middle of a conversation with someone who didn’t know you and I drop a little nugget of you in without them knowing – how it hurts my heart they don’t realize the treasure I have shared with them…

 

It’s the holidays… the damned holidays… it’s the coming together of family when family isn’t complete… it’s the pretending that I’m not breaking a little more inside without you while waiting for you to come through the door, larger than life, with some fanciful and outrageous story to tell…

 

I guess it’s almost everything that evokes, extracts, elicits memories and yearning for you.  It’s not the same, Roo, without you.  Nothing will ever be the same…